Fat, Queer, Aging, and Sexy: Yes, You Belong Here

A body-positive call-in for every kind of body

Sexuality doesn't have a size limit. It doesn’t retire at a certain age, and it absolutely doesn’t belong only to thin, young, able-bodied people. Still, a lot of us have internalized the idea that unless we look a certain way, we don’t get to feel sexy, wanted, or desirable.

Let me be clear. You belong here. Your body belongs here. Your pleasure matters, just as you are.

Who defines sexy, anyway

Mainstream media has pushed a very narrow idea of what is considered sexy. It often centers white, thin, cisgender, able-bodied people who are in their twenties and have no visible scars, wrinkles, or fat. That standard is not just unrealistic for most people. It is also deeply harmful. It excludes the vast, beautiful diversity of bodies that exist in the real world.

The truth is, sexiness is not about fitting a mold. It is about feeling present in your body. It is about connecting to your desires. It is about allowing yourself to take up space, to be touched, to feel pleasure without apology.

Let’s talk about fat bodies, queer bodies, aging bodies, and disabled bodies

Fat people are sexy.
Queer people are sexy.
People over 40, 50, 60 and beyond are sexy.
Disabled people are sexy.
Trans people are sexy.
You are sexy.

None of this is conditional. You don’t have to lose weight, be more flexible, pass a certain way, or meet anyone else’s standards to claim your erotic power. Your body is already deserving of love, attention, and joy.

Aging doesn’t make you less erotic

One of the most damaging myths we carry is that sexuality fades or becomes irrelevant as we age. That couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, many people discover new kinds of intimacy, confidence, and pleasure as they grow older. They know their bodies better. They know what they like. They’ve learned how to communicate. And for a lot of people, sex becomes deeper and more satisfying with time.

You do not age out of being touchable, kissable, or wanted. You do not age out of desire.

Fat doesn’t cancel out sexy

Fat bodies have always been sexual. What they haven’t always had is permission. We live in a fatphobic culture that often sees fatness as something to fix, hide, or punish. But the truth is, many people are fat and confident. Fat and sensual. Fat and active. Fat and powerful.

There is no “right” size for sex. If you are alive, your body is a sexual body. Your weight doesn’t make you less deserving of oral sex, eye contact, lingerie, or slow Sunday morning cuddles.

Disability, queerness, and transness are not barriers to pleasure

Our sexual culture is slowly expanding, but there is still a lot of ableism, heteronormativity, and cissexism in the way sex is taught and shown. That has to change. Everyone deserves access to education, affirmation, and tools that support their body and their identity. Being disabled or chronically ill doesn’t mean you’re less capable of love, intimacy, or sensation. It just means you may need different approaches, tools, or pacing. Being trans doesn’t mean you need to reach a certain “stage” before you get to enjoy sex. You are worthy of pleasure right now.

If you’ve ever felt like you were too much or not enough, you’re not alone

Maybe you’ve pulled away from a lover’s hands, unsure of how your body would be received.
Maybe you’ve apologized for your stomach, your scars, your age spots, or your body hair.
Maybe you’ve wondered if your best years were behind you.

Let me tell you something that should be said more often. Your pleasure is not a performance. Your body is not broken. You are not too old. You are not too different. You are already enough.

What you can do right now

If you want to reconnect with your body, start small. Take a bath and thank your skin. Buy the lube or the toy you’ve been curious about. Wear the outfit that makes you feel most like yourself. Explore new kinds of touch that meet your needs right now. Talk to your partner about what feels good.

You do not need to change your body to change your relationship with sex. You only need to start listening to it.

Nina says

"I have lived in many different versions of my body. I’ve been thinner, I’ve been older, I’ve had different partners, different needs, and different truths. What I’ve learned is that my sexiness has never been about how I looked. It has always been about how fully I showed up in my body and how much love I gave it."