How to Ask for What You Want (When You Don't Know What That Is)
"Nina, everyone says communication is the key to good sex, and I should ask for what I want. But here's my problem: I honestly don't know what I want. I know what I don't like, I know when something feels off, but when my partner asks what would feel good or what I want to try, I go blank. I feel like I should have a list of desires ready, but I just... don't. How do you ask for what you want when you don't even know what that is?"
This might be the most honest question I've ever received, and I want to start by saying there is absolutely nothing wrong with not knowing what you want sexually. In fact, it's incredibly common, especially for people who are just beginning to explore their sexuality, people recovering from trauma, or people who've spent years focusing on their partner's pleasure instead of their own.
Not knowing what you want isn't a deficiency. It's a starting place.
After four decades of helping people discover their authentic desires, I can tell you that most people don't arrive at sexuality with a clear catalog of wants and preferences. Sexual self-knowledge is something you develop through experience, attention, and gentle curiosity, not something you should automatically possess.
Why You Might Not Know What You Want
You've Been Focused on Pleasing Others
Many people, especially women and people socialized to be caregivers, spend so much energy focused on their partner's pleasure that they never develop awareness of their own desires.
If you've been asking "What do they want?" instead of "What do I want?" for years, of course you don't have ready answers about your own preferences.
You Haven't Had Safe Space to Explore
Desire needs safety to emerge. If you've been in relationships where your preferences weren't welcomed, where you felt judged for your responses, or where sex felt performative rather than explorative, your authentic desires might be buried under layers of adaptation.
You're Disconnected from Your Body
Our culture teaches us to live in our heads rather than our bodies. If you're not used to paying attention to physical sensations, subtle preferences, or what makes your body feel alive, it makes sense that you wouldn't know what you want sexually.
You Have Limited Experience
If you haven't had many different types of sexual experiences, or if your experiences have been narrow in scope, you might simply not have enough data yet about what appeals to you.
You're in a Transition Period
Your desires might be changing due to age, life circumstances, relationship status, hormone shifts, or personal growth. What you wanted before might not be what you want now, and you might be in the process of discovering new preferences.
All of these situations are normal, and all of them can change with time, attention, and gentle exploration.
Starting with What You Know
Even if you don't know what you want, you probably know more than you think. Start with the information you do have:
What You Don't Want
This is valuable information. Make a mental or actual list:
What kinds of touch feel uncomfortable or unwelcome?
What timing feels wrong for your body?
What environments make you feel tense or disconnected?
What dynamics make you want to shut down?
Your "no" list is the foundation for discovering your "yes" list.
What Feels Neutral vs. What Feels Good
You might not have strong preferences yet, but you probably can distinguish between touch that feels bland and touch that feels pleasant:
What makes you feel more present vs. more disconnected?
What makes you want to lean into the experience vs. endure it?
What generates curiosity vs. what feels like "going through motions"?
What You're Curious About
Even if you don't have strong desires, you might have gentle curiosities:
What have you wondered about but never tried?
What looks appealing when you see it in movies or read about it?
What makes you feel a little flutter of interest or nervousness?
Curiosity is often how desire begins.
The Exploration Process
Start with Solo Discovery
The safest place to begin exploring what you want is with yourself:
Body mapping: Touch different parts of your body (not just genitals) and notice what feels good, what feels neutral, what feels uncomfortable.
Arousal tracking: Pay attention to when you feel most alive in your body, what kinds of touch or stimulation create pleasant sensations.
Fantasy exploration: Notice what thoughts, images, or scenarios create interest or arousal, even if you don't want to act on them.
Sensory preferences: Experiment with different types of touch: light vs. firm, slow vs. quick, gentle vs. intense.
Communicate Your Learning Process
Instead of pretending you know what you want, be honest about your exploration:
"I'm still figuring out what I like. Can we explore together?"
"I don't have specific requests, but I'd love to discover what feels good with you."
"I'm curious about my own responses. Can we take time to see what my body likes?"
"I want to learn what turns me on. Will you help me pay attention to what feels good?"
Use "Let's Try" Instead of "I Want"
When you don't know what you want, frame exploration as experiments rather than requests:
"Let's try touching me more gently and see how that feels."
"What if we spent more time just kissing before moving to anything else?"
"I'm curious what it would feel like if you touched me here."
"Can we experiment with going really slowly?"
The Power of "More" and "Different"
These two words are incredibly useful when you're learning your preferences:
"More" when something feels good but you want to amplify it "Different" when something isn't quite right but you don't know exactly what would be better
"More of that pressure, but in a different spot." "That rhythm feels good, but can we try it more gently?" "I like this, but I want something different now."
Building Your Desire Vocabulary
Physical Sensations
Start noticing and naming what different types of touch create in your body:
"That makes me feel warm and melty"
"This creates a buzzing sensation that I like"
"That pressure makes me want to move closer"
"This touch makes me feel more awake and alive"
Emotional Responses
Pay attention to the emotional qualities of different experiences:
"I feel more connected when we go slower"
"I feel safer when you check in with me"
"I feel more playful when there's less pressure"
"I feel more open when we laugh together"
Energy and Dynamics
Notice what kinds of energy between you create interest vs. disconnection:
"I like it when you're more assertive"
"I prefer when we're both equally active"
"I enjoy when you focus entirely on me sometimes"
"I like when we're playful and experimental"
For Partners: How to Support Discovery
If your partner is learning what they want, here's how you can help:
Don't Pressure for Specific Requests
Instead of "Tell me exactly what you want," try "What feels good right now?"
Offer Choices Rather Than Open-Ended Questions
Instead of "What do you want me to do?" try "Would you like me to touch you here or here?" or "Should I go slower or use more pressure?"
Pay Attention to Their Responses
Watch their body language, breathing, and energy. Often their body knows what it likes before their mind does.
Make It Safe to Not Know
"It's okay that you don't know yet. We can figure it out together."
Celebrate Small Discoveries
When they identify a preference, even a small one, acknowledge it: "I love that you noticed what feels good for you."
When You Start Discovering Preferences
As you begin to identify what you like, you might feel overwhelmed by having opinions when you're not used to having them. This is normal.
Start Small
You don't need to revolutionize your entire sex life overnight. Start with small preferences:
"I like when we start with cuddling"
"I prefer when the room is a little cooler"
"I enjoy when you touch my back first"
It's Okay to Change Your Mind
Your preferences might shift as you learn more about yourself. What felt good last week might not feel good today, and that's normal.
You Don't Have to Want Everything
Just because you discover you like something doesn't mean you have to want it all the time or in all circumstances.
The Long Game: Developing Sexual Self-Knowledge
Learning what you want sexually is a lifelong process, not a one-time discovery. Your desires will evolve as you change, as your relationships change, as your body changes, as your life circumstances change.
The goal isn't to figure out your sexual preferences once and for all. The goal is to develop the skill of tuning into your authentic responses and communicating them in real time.
This means:
Staying curious about your own experience
Paying attention to subtle shifts in what feels good
Being willing to communicate changing preferences
Treating your sexuality as something that grows and evolves
A Personal Note
I spent the first decade of my sexual life focused entirely on what my partners wanted. I became very skilled at reading other people's desires and fulfilling them, but I had no idea what I actually wanted for myself.
Learning to tune into my own authentic responses was like learning a new language. It took time, patience, and lots of gentle experimentation.
What I discovered is that not knowing what you want can actually be an advantage. It means you approach sexuality with curiosity rather than fixed expectations. It means you're open to discovering things about yourself that might surprise you. It means you're not limited by preconceived notions about what you "should" want.
Your sexual desires are allowed to be a mystery that you solve slowly, with kindness and attention.
You don't need to arrive at sexuality with a clear catalog of preferences. You get to discover what you want through the beautiful, messy, ongoing process of paying attention to what makes you feel alive, connected, and authentically yourself.
Start where you are. Start with curiosity. Start with what you know, even if it's just what you don't want.
Your desires are in there, waiting to be discovered. And the process of discovering them, with a caring partner or through gentle self-exploration, can be just as satisfying as knowing what they are.
With steady hands and open eyes,
Nina