From Shame to Pride: Overcoming Internalized Stigma
June 5, 2025
The journey from shame to pride isn't a destination—it's a daily practice, a continuous choice to reject the toxic messages society has embedded in our minds and replace them with radical self-acceptance. Today, let's talk about one of the most insidious barriers to authentic living: internalized stigma, and how we can transform it into the fuel for our liberation.
Understanding the Beast: What Internalized Stigma Really Is
Internalized stigma is the voice in your head that sounds suspiciously like your worst critics, but speaks with the authority of your own thoughts. It's the way we learn to shame ourselves so thoroughly that we don't need external oppression to keep us small—we become our own prison guards.
For LGBTQ+ individuals, this might sound like:
"Maybe I am just confused"
"What if this is just a phase?"
"I'm being selfish by living this way"
"I'm disappointing everyone who matters"
For those exploring alternative sexuality, it might whisper:
"Normal people don't think about these things"
"I must be damaged or broken"
"If people knew what I really wanted, they'd be disgusted"
"I should be satisfied with 'normal' sex"
The cruel genius of internalized stigma is that it feels like wisdom, like self-protection, like the voice of reason. But it's actually the voice of oppression that we've learned to speak fluently to ourselves.
How We Learn to Hate Ourselves
I grew up in Berkeley in the 1960s and 70s, surrounded by messages of liberation and acceptance. Yet even I absorbed harmful ideas about sexuality and desire from the broader culture. If someone with my privileged background struggled with internalized shame, imagine the battle faced by those in less accepting environments.
Internalized stigma develops through:
Repeated Messaging: Every joke about "perverts," every news story that pathologizes LGBTQ+ people, every religious sermon about sin—these messages accumulate like drops of poison in our psyche.
Institutional Discrimination: When schools, healthcare systems, workplaces, and legal structures treat you as less than fully human, you begin to internalize that assessment of your worth.
Family and Community Rejection: The people who are supposed to love us unconditionally often struggle most with our authentic selves, teaching us that love comes with conditions.
Media Representation: For decades, LGBTQ+ people and sexually empowered women were either invisible or portrayed as tragic, dangerous, or mentally ill. These images shape our self-perception whether we realize it or not.
Silence and Invisibility: When aspects of human experience are never discussed openly, we learn that they must be shameful. The absence of representation teaches us we don't deserve to exist.
The Many Faces of Internalized Shame
Internalized stigma doesn't always look like obvious self-hatred. Sometimes it's more subtle:
Perfectionism: Feeling like you have to be flawless to justify your existence or earn acceptance People-pleasing: Constantly trying to prove you're "one of the good ones" who deserves tolerance Overcompensation: Working twice as hard to prove your worth in other areas of life Self-sabotage: Unconsciously undermining your own happiness because you don't believe you deserve it Isolation: Avoiding community and connection because you're convinced others will reject the real you Hypervigilance: Constantly monitoring yourself and others for signs of judgment or rejection
The Revolutionary Act of Self-Acceptance
Here's what I've learned from three decades of living openly as a sexually empowered woman: the journey from shame to pride isn't about becoming someone different—it's about remembering who you were before the world taught you to hate yourself.
Step 1: Recognize the Voice The first step is learning to identify internalized stigma when it speaks. Notice the difference between your authentic inner voice and the critic that sounds like your oppressors. Ask yourself: "Is this thought actually mine, or did I learn it from people who don't understand my experience?"
Step 2: Challenge the Narrative When shame thoughts arise, get curious instead of compliant. Ask:
Where did I first learn this idea?
Who benefits from me believing this about myself?
What evidence contradicts this harsh judgment?
How would I respond if someone said this about a friend I love?
Step 3: Seek Counter-Evidence Actively look for examples of people living authentically and thriving. Read books, watch films, follow social media accounts that show positive representations of your identity or lifestyle. Let these examples expand your sense of what's possible.
Step 4: Practice Self-Compassion Treat yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a dear friend facing similar struggles. Remember that internalized stigma isn't your fault—it's a natural response to living in an oppressive culture. Healing takes time and patience.
Step 5: Find Your People Connect with others who share your experiences or values. Community is one of the most powerful antidotes to shame because it shows you that you're not alone, broken, or wrong. You're just human, deserving of love and acceptance like everyone else.
The Unique Journey for Different Communities
LGBTQ+ Individuals: Often face the challenge of overcoming religious or family messages about their identities being sinful or wrong. The process involves learning to trust your own experience of love and attraction over external judgments.
Sex Workers: Must overcome society's Madonna/whore complex and the assumption that sex work is inherently degrading. This requires recognizing the difference between the work itself and the stigma unfairly attached to it.
Kinky Individuals: Need to separate healthy consensual practices from pathological stereotypes. This means understanding that unusual desires don't make you damaged or dangerous.
Polyamorous People: Often struggle with messages that their relationship style is selfish or immature. Overcoming this requires recognizing that different relationship structures work for different people.
Sexual Assault Survivors: May internalize shame about their experiences or their responses to trauma. Healing involves recognizing that shame belongs with perpetrators, not survivors.
Practical Strategies for Daily Liberation
Morning Affirmations: Start each day by consciously choosing self-acceptance over self-criticism. This isn't about toxic positivity—it's about giving yourself the same basic dignity you'd offer any human being.
Media Curation: Actively seek out content that reflects positive representations of your identity. Unfollow accounts that make you feel worse about yourself. Your media diet affects your mental health.
Boundary Setting: Practice saying no to situations, people, and activities that reinforce shame. This includes family gatherings where you can't be authentic, friends who make disparaging comments, or environments that feel hostile.
Skill Building: Develop practical skills that support your authentic life. This might mean learning about safer sex practices, communication techniques, or legal rights. Knowledge is power, and power combats shame.
Creative Expression: Use art, writing, music, or other creative outlets to explore and express your authentic self. Creation is a powerful antidote to the destructive force of shame.
Therapy and Support: Professional help can be invaluable in unpacking internalized stigma. Look for therapists who are affirming of your identity and experienced with your specific challenges.
The Ripple Effects of Personal Liberation
When you begin to transform shame into pride, the effects extend far beyond your own life:
You Model Possibility: Your self-acceptance gives others permission to consider accepting themselves You Raise Standards: You become less tolerant of treatment that reinforces shame, raising the bar for everyone You Build Community: People are drawn to those who have done their own work and can hold space for others' journeys You Create Legacy: Your liberation contributes to a world where future generations face less stigma
From Surviving to Thriving
The goal isn't just to overcome shame—it's to transform it into fuel for a life of authentic joy and connection. When we stop spending energy on hating ourselves, we free up incredible resources for creativity, love, and contribution to the world.
This doesn't mean the work is ever completely finished. I still occasionally catch echoes of old shame voices, even after decades of liberation work. The difference is that now I recognize them immediately as intruders, not truth-tellers.
Your Pride Revolution
This Pride Month, I challenge you to identify one area where internalized stigma still holds power in your life. Maybe it's:
A aspect of your sexuality you've never fully accepted
A desire you've convinced yourself is wrong or selfish
A part of your identity you still hide from certain people
A dream you've abandoned because you don't think you deserve it
Choose one area and commit to treating it with curiosity and compassion instead of judgment and shame. Notice what shifts when you approach yourself as a friend rather than an enemy.
Remember: Pride isn't arrogance—it's the radical act of believing you deserve the same dignity, love, and acceptance as every other human being. It's the revolutionary choice to live authentically in a world that profits from your self-hatred.
Your shame was never yours to begin with—it was something imposed on you by a world that feared your power. But your pride? That's all yours, and no one can take it away once you claim it.
What shame messages have you worked to overcome? How has your journey from shame to pride affected other areas of your life? Share your story and let's support each other in choosing self-acceptance over self-criticism.
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