Consent Is More Than Yes or No

Consent is not a checkbox. It is not a waiver. It is not a contract signed once at the beginning. Consent is a living, breathing, relational practice. It begins before the first touch and continues through every moment of connection. It is not just about what someone says. It is about how they feel, how they breathe, how their body responds, and how their spirit shows up.

Yes and no are not enough. People can say yes when they are scared. They can say yes when they feel obligated. They can say yes when they are numb. They can say yes when they want to want something but don’t. They can say yes because they were never taught how to say no. That is not full consent. That is survival.

Real consent lives in the body. It includes words, but it also includes tone, breath, posture, and energy. It includes the ability to change your mind, to pause, to ask questions, to get more information, and to come back to yourself before coming closer to someone else.

We live in a culture that treats consent like an on-off switch. Did they say yes? Then go. Did they say no? Then stop. But we are not machines. We are human. And human consent is more complex, more tender, more alive.

Embodied consent asks us to check in, not just once, but often. Is this still feeling good? Do I want to keep going? Am I present? Is my partner present? Are we connected, or are we dissociating? Is there room for a real no right now?

When I teach consent, I offer four touchstones. First, permission. Is this freely given? Second, presence. Are we both here, in our bodies? Third, pleasure. Is there curiosity, enjoyment, or safety? And fourth, power. Are we on equal ground, or is something unspoken skewing the dynamic? If even one of these is missing, we pause. That pause is not rejection. It is respect.

You can ask for a pause anytime. You can say, I’m not sure. You can say, I need a breath. You can say, something feels off. The right partner will not punish you for that. They will thank you for your truth.

Teaching consent also means teaching self-consent. Have I checked in with my own body? Do I feel pressure to perform or please? Am I overriding myself to meet someone else’s need? Am I abandoning myself in the name of being easygoing or sexy?

You do not owe anyone access to your body. You do not have to explain your no. You are allowed to stop something even if you said yes five minutes ago. You are allowed to explore slowly. You are allowed to not know what you want yet. You are allowed to ask for a do-over.

Consent is not about being perfect. It is about being honest. When we treat consent like a one-time green light, we miss each other. We rush. We cause harm, even without meaning to. But when we treat it like a sacred conversation, we build something much stronger. We build trust. We build safety. We build pleasure that lasts.

We create space for sex that is not just technically okay, but fully chosen, fully alive, and fully human.

With love,
Nina