Why “Good Sex” Isn’t a Goal — It’s a Conversation
We’ve Been Taught to Chase “Good Sex.” Here’s Why That Doesn’t Work.
Most of us grew up with the idea that sex is something to get right. A performance to nail. A goal to achieve. “Good sex” meant orgasms, chemistry, maybe a few acrobatic positions and a satisfied partner.
But that mindset leaves a lot of us feeling anxious, disconnected, or quietly ashamed. Because when sex becomes a test — it’s hard to be present. It’s hard to be honest. And it’s nearly impossible to ask for what you need in real time.
So let’s reframe the question.
Not “Was the sex good?”
But: “Did we talk to each other?”
Not just with our mouths. With our breath. Our hands. Our tempo. Our attention.
Because “good sex” isn’t a destination. It’s a conversation. One that keeps evolving, breath by breath, body to body.
Sex Isn’t a Performance — It’s a Language
Here’s what I’ve learned over four decades of lived erotic experience: Great sex doesn’t come from memorizing the right moves. It comes from learning to listen.
To your own body.
To your partner’s signals.
To the energy between you, right here, right now.
And that kind of listening — the kind that makes space for honesty, change, and surprise — only happens when we stop trying to impress and start trying to connect.
Technique without attunement? That’s just choreography. You can do all the “right” things and still leave someone feeling alone.
But when you treat sex as a dialogue — where every touch is a sentence, every sound a response — you make room for truth. Even if that truth is, “That’s too fast.” Or, “I need to pause.” Or, “Can we try something else?”
Conversations Evolve — So Should Sex
No real conversation follows a script. You respond. You adapt. You clarify. You get it wrong, then try again.
Sex should be no different.
Your partner liked something yesterday? Great. Doesn’t mean they’ll want it today. You moaned during that move last week? Wonderful. Doesn’t mean you’re required to enjoy it every time.
Bodies shift. Arousal shifts. What felt good five minutes ago might feel overwhelming now. That’s not a failure — it’s information.
Good lovers learn to stay in the conversation. Not push through. Not take silence as consent. Not interpret stillness as pleasure.
They ask. They notice. They respond.
If You’re Not Talking, You’re Guessing
I hear from so many people — survivors, late bloomers, curious couples — who say the same thing: “We love each other, but something’s off in bed.”
Nine times out of ten? They’re not having real erotic conversations.
They’re trying to read each other’s minds. Or trying to get it “right” without enough feedback. Or saying yes when their body is saying maybe.
So let’s change that.
Let’s normalize pausing mid-stroke to ask, “How’s that landing?”
Let’s honor the brave moment when someone says, “Can we slow down?”
Let’s treat questions as intimacy — not interruptions.
Because if we can’t talk during sex, we’re not really together. We’re just performing near each other.
Real Sex Makes Room for Mistakes
You’re going to miss a cue. Your partner might freeze. You might get tongue-tied or overwhelmed or turned on and then suddenly… not.
That doesn’t mean it’s “bad sex.”
It means you’re human. In a human body. With a partner who’s hopefully willing to stay curious instead of perfect.
When sex is a conversation, you can say “Oops.” You can say “Hold on.” You can say “I’m not sure what I want, but I want to want.”
And none of that breaks the moment. In fact, it makes the moment. Because now you’re in it together.
Let’s Redefine “Good”
What if “good sex” wasn’t about performance at all?
What if it was about:
Feeling safe enough to speak
Feeling brave enough to listen
Feeling connected enough to stay in the moment — even when it gets messy
What if “good” meant real?
Meant honest?
Meant attuned?
That’s the sex I stand for.
That’s the sex I teach.
And that’s the sex that changes lives — not because it looks hot, but because it feels true.
This isn’t about lowering the bar. It’s about shifting the target.
You don’t need to “do it right.” You need to stay in dialogue.
With your partner. With your body. With your pleasure.
And when that’s the goal — the sex gets so much better.
Even when it’s quiet. Even when it’s awkward. Even when it’s different than what you imagined.
Because now, you’re connected.
And that’s the only kind of “good” that matters.