Why Survivors Sometimes Crave Rough Sex

"Nina, I'm a sexual assault survivor, and I'm confused and ashamed about something. Sometimes I want my partner to be really rough with me during sex. I want to be held down, dominated, even hurt a little. I feel like this makes me sick or broken, like I'm somehow asking for what happened to me. My therapist says it's normal, but it doesn't feel normal. Can you help me understand why I want this?"

First, let me say this clearly: there is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken, sick, or asking for abuse by having these desires.

This is one of the most complex and misunderstood aspects of trauma recovery, and I'm honored that you trust me with this question. After four decades of working with survivors and understanding human sexuality, I can tell you that your experience is more common than you might think, and there are very real, very valid reasons why some people who've been hurt crave intense, even rough, consensual sexual experiences.

Let me help you understand what might be happening, and why it doesn't make you wrong or damaged.

The Myth That Survivors Should Only Want Gentle Sex

Our culture has created a story that sexual trauma survivors should naturally gravitate toward soft, gentle, slow intimacy. While this is true for many survivors, it's not true for everyone.

Some survivors find healing through reclaiming intensity, power, and even controlled vulnerability.

This doesn't mean you're "still damaged" or "haven't healed properly." It might mean your path to integration includes exploring the very sensations, power dynamics, or intensities that were taken from you without your consent.

The difference between trauma and healing isn't always gentle vs. rough. It's consent vs. violation, choice vs. powerlessness, safety vs. harm.

Why Rough Sex Might Feel Healing

Reclaiming Agency and Choice

When someone has been sexually hurt, one of the most profound violations is the loss of choice. You didn't get to say yes or no, you didn't get to control what happened to your body.

Consensual rough sex can be a way of reclaiming that choice. You get to decide what happens, when it happens, how intense it gets, and when it stops. You're not a victim of the experience; you're the author of it.

Even when you're in a submissive role, you're choosing to surrender. That choice, that agency, can be profoundly healing.

Processing Intensity in a Safe Container

Trauma often involves overwhelming physical sensations that your nervous system couldn't process at the time. Sometimes, rough consensual sex allows you to experience intensity while feeling safe and in control.

Your body might be seeking to complete the stress cycle that got interrupted during your trauma. Intense physical sensations, when chosen and contained safely, can help your nervous system discharge activation that's been stuck.

Rewriting the Story

When you experience rough sex that you've chosen, with someone who respects your boundaries and stops when you say stop, you're literally rewriting your body's story about intensity and power.

You're teaching your nervous system: "I can experience strong sensations and still be safe. I can be vulnerable and still be respected. I can surrender and still have power."

Separating Pain from Harm

One of the most important distinctions in consensual rough sex is the difference between pain and harm. Pain can be temporary, chosen, and even pleasurable. Harm involves damage, violation, and powerlessness.

Some survivors find that choosing pain helps them reclaim their relationship with their own body and sensations.

The Psychology of Controlled Vulnerability

Sexual trauma often involves being forced into vulnerability without choice or safety. Consensual rough sex can be a way of practicing vulnerability on your own terms.

When you choose to be held down, dominated, or controlled within clear boundaries and with someone you trust, you're proving to yourself that vulnerability doesn't always lead to harm.

This can be incredibly empowering. You're not avoiding the feelings or sensations that are part of your trauma; you're engaging with them from a place of power and choice.

What Makes It Healing vs. Retraumatizing

The key difference between healing rough sex and retraumatizing rough sex is the presence of several crucial elements:

Clear, Ongoing Consent

Before: Detailed conversations about what you want, what you don't want, and what your boundaries are.

During: The ability to communicate, redirect, or stop at any point without pushback or punishment.

After: Check-ins about how the experience felt and what you might want to adjust next time.

Trust and Safety

You feel fundamentally safe with this person, even when you're surrendering control. You trust that they care about your wellbeing more than their own pleasure.

Your Agency

You're driving the experience. Even if you're not physically in control during the act, you're in control of the decision to engage, the boundaries you set, and the ability to stop.

Integration and Processing

You're able to stay present during the experience and process it afterward without feeling shame, dissociation, or retraumatization.

Red Flags to Watch For

Not all desires for rough sex after trauma are coming from a healthy place. Be aware if:

You feel compelled to engage in rough sex even when you don't want to You're using pain to punish yourself or confirm negative beliefs about yourself You dissociate or "leave your body" during rough sex You feel unable to say no or set boundaries Your partner pressures you or ignores your limits You consistently feel worse about yourself after rough sexual experiences

If any of these are true, it might be worth exploring these desires with a trauma-informed therapist before acting on them.

For Your Partner: How to Hold This Space

If you're the partner of someone who wants rough sex after trauma, this is sacred territory that requires enormous care:

Have extensive conversations outside the bedroom about what they want, why they want it, and what safety looks like for them.

Go slower than you think you need to. Build trust and safety over time before engaging in more intense play.

Learn their trauma responses so you can recognize if they're dissociating or getting triggered.

Master the art of aftercare. Intense experiences require intentional care and processing afterward.

Check your own motivations. Make sure you're not taking advantage of their desires for your own gratification.

The Importance of Professional Support

While consensual rough sex can be part of healing for some survivors, it's important to have professional support as you navigate this.

A trauma-informed therapist can help you:

Distinguish between healing desires and compulsive behaviors Process experiences and emotions that come up Develop healthy boundaries and communication skills Integrate your sexual experiences with your overall healing journey

This doesn't mean you need therapy to have rough sex. It means having support can help you navigate this territory more safely and consciously.

Addressing the Shame

I want to speak directly to the shame you mentioned feeling about these desires. Your shame is understandable, but it's not accurate information about your worth or your healing.

We live in a culture that doesn't understand the complexity of trauma recovery. We expect survivors to want only gentle, loving touch, and we judge any desires that don't fit that narrative.

But healing isn't one-size-fits-all. Some people heal through gentleness. Some people heal through reclaiming intensity. Both paths are valid.

Your desires don't make you broken or sick. They might be your psyche's wise attempt to integrate your experiences and reclaim your power.

A Personal Perspective

I've worked with many survivors over the years, and I've seen how healing can take unexpected forms. I've witnessed people reclaim their erotic lives through gentle, slow intimacy. I've also witnessed people find profound healing through intense, rough, consensual play.

What matters isn't the form healing takes. What matters is that it's truly consensual, safe, and serving your wholeness rather than fragmenting you further.

Trust Your Inner Knowing

Ultimately, you are the expert on your own experience. If consensual rough sex feels healing and empowering to you, if it helps you feel more integrated and powerful, if it's happening within clear boundaries with someone you trust, then it might be part of your healing journey.

If it feels compulsive, disconnecting, or harmful, then it might be worth pausing and exploring with professional support.

Your body and psyche have their own wisdom about what they need to heal. Trust that wisdom, surround yourself with support, and remember that your path to wholeness is uniquely yours.

There is no right way to be a survivor. There is no right way to heal. There is only your way, discovered with courage, consciousness, and care.

You are not broken. Your desires are not shameful. And your healing, whatever form it takes, is sacred work.

With steady hands and open eyes,

Nina